Well, what to say... Sorry I haven't been keeping this updated. It's been kind of hectic. Work and going back to school and everything. Plus, at the weekend, one of the teachers in my school died. Cancer. Quick. A moments silence.




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I'm almost done writing my personal statement. I'm showing it to Nicola (counsellor) tomorrow. Hopefully I shouldn't need to change it too much. Apart from it's massively long. 

I'm having some concerns. Stuart hasn't been trying to talk to me. I've been trying to talk to him, but when I called him the other day his mum was there and the conversation was all stilted. It's almost as if he didn't want to be on the phone. I've been scared of trying to call him again in case I get the same without his mum being there. I don't know, I feel as if he's drifting. And I know we couldn't speak much over the summer, and I admit that that was me, but this is different. I think. Oh, I don't know. I know he's been seeing Rachel. At the very least talking to her. And I'm not entirely sure how comfortable I am about that. I don't mind them being friends and all but with us not talking as much.... I don't know. It's just freaking me out a little up here. And I can't even get down there this weekend like was planned because of work. And that sounds like such a crap excuse, but I honestly can't help it. Am going to suggest going to York as soon as I have a weekend off. I can't wait for him to come live up here (York). Everything will be so much easier. I love him so much.


I'm nearly finished my jogsaw. ROCK ON!

All my life, watching America .....

Oh oh oh OH!

lol. I shall stop typing lyrics :) this song just makes me feel... I dunno. Singy.

Had a nightmare last night. I'm not gonna go into it again. But it was fairly scary. I have work this evening as well. Now THAT'S scary :) Lol. 

I haven't really been doing much this holiday since I got back from Benidorm. I haven't wanted to move. Am going out on Sunday night though (oh, that's tomorrow. Oh well) Went out with Cathy on Thursday though which was totally fab :)

Nothing much else to say really :)

I tried my hand at poledancing in Benidorm. I wasn't very good. But I had fun :)     :-

ah oui, un bon apres midi de tu! 

that was random. hey there. am back from sunny spain and have now finished the last harry potter ever. it was really ranodm knowing that ive waited for that for the last 10 years of my life. and now its over. gosh.

spent the past week getting very drunk and staying out til 8am pretty much. also got a bit tanned. there were a few arguements but nothing TOO major and we met these random scottish guys who bought us drinks every night. mind u, so did the DJ :D we really got on with our scottish friends and i think the idea is to meet up at some point. which could be fun cos it would mean a free night out :D

forgot to send all my postcards. was just too busy partying or sleeping really lol. 

favourite place in benidorm:

SINATRA'S! long live it!!!

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

and may it be known - "PADDY C.DEN!"

ok, im random, i kow :)

love to you all :)

re by the computer and have hereby ceased all contact with everybody until i have finished harry potter. due to the fact i was on holiday when it came out, i have not finished it yet and am only halfway through (some feat as i only started reading it this morning) so sorry if i offend anyone by completely blanking them but i do NOT want the ending of this story ruined after ive waited 10 years for it!

p.s. will post about holiday afterwards.

xxx

stuart broke up with rachel.

time to update again methinks. i havent really been doign much apart from working A LOT!

friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday. i dont have a day off til wednesday :( mmmm.

i went back to central high on friday. how fun was that! i havent seen a lot fo those people in nigh on 5 years! sarah and i just slipped straight back into the crazy friendship we had when i was there :) she was my best friend :) it was really really great. other than that i havent really done much. have spent loads and loads of money on my phone :S typical me. plus i have to tidy my room today, oh joy. im sitting here contemplating watching big brother - now that is really sad!! ah well.

going to watch hollyoaks previews instead :)

just as sad.

farewell :)

xxxxx

updating again...

whilst eating an orange...

how interesting...

my life has become very dull this week. i get up, go to school. go home. work. home. bed. repeat. only school is no fun anymore because noone seems to want to include me in anything. all my friends went bowling on monday. i went to work. all my friends went to davids yesterday. i sat at home. all my friends are going to the beach tonight. what am i doing? sitting at home. ah well. sucks to be me eh. looks like i might just be onto something though......


hmmm.... going to manchester on saturday to look up the uni. should be fun :) goin gon a dreaded "girly roadtrip" lol.

im keeping my chin up. i know where i want to go to uni, but it seems like its getting more and more unlikely that i will ever get in..

ben just came online. hes been avoiding me ever since we broke up just before scout camp. i dont get it. he was the one who wanted to stay friends and now all of a sudden in "pariah woman" that he must avoid at all costs. ive asked him why he has and he's doing his typical "i dont wanna talk about it" act. sod him. ive got stuff going on in my life, but im not avoiding people and then not explaining myself. men confuse me entirely.

my dads getting better with me though. i think going back on the street at work has chilled him out a lot. plus now i can retire to my room and listen to music and phone people if he gets wierd.


well, isnt this nice (i must warn that i got annoyed at him at the end. well, who woudnt? mind u, i guess if u dont know much about it, it might seem like im being a bitch, but trust me, it was well deserved): (im in red)

do you believe in magic?: hi
Benny Boy: hi
do you believe in magic?: so much for "staying friends" eh?
do you believe in magic?: any reason im being avoided like the plague? lol
Benny Boy: i dont really wanna be around you, thats all
do you believe in magic?: ta. can i ask why?
Benny Boy: not really, i dont fancy dealing with it, i got other things to worry about and i just wanna forget about things
do you believe in magic?: look, im not pushing. i just want to know why im being avoided. i dunno what u think im gonna do but id rather know
Benny Boy: i cant really give you an answer, bcos i dont wanna go into it, just worry about living you own life for now
do you believe in magic?: ben. this is my life remember? and ok, u dont wanna go into it because maybe u dont want to face up to whatevers happening, but it would help me to know. because i feel entirely shunned when i havent to my knowledge done anything wrong. id rather you tell me so at least i know
do you believe in magic?: i havent asked u in school because i didnt wanna put u on the spot but i think i deserve an answer
Benny Boy: you really wont get anything from me either way, and its not your right to know, youd b better of just ignoring me
do you believe in magic?: its not my right to know why ur avoiding me? i think ul find it is! and id never want to ignore u. we said this, remember? still friends
Benny Boy: i changed my mind, you have your own friends and your own life so you dont need me anyways
do you believe in magic?: BEN!
do you believe in magic?: what the fuck? is this about u maybe moving down to ur dads?
Benny Boy: nope
do you believe in magic?: then why the fecking hell do u think u have the right to ignore me?
do you believe in magic?: its not fair ben
do you believe in magic?: and u want to talk about "my own friends"? my own friends right now are down on the beach. my own friends had a sleepover the other day. my own friends go out places without telling me and leave me sitting on my own at home. i have precisly 2 good friends that care. fair enough, i dont mind. what i do mind, what i mind very much - is being avoided by someone i thought was my friend
do you believe in magic?: by someone i was very close to until about a month ago
do you believe in magic?: and if its all the same to u, id really like to know why im being treated like this.
do you believe in magic?: i walk over, u walk away.
do you believe in magic?: i start talking, u turn ur music on
do you believe in magic?: and yet u cant help but keep looking at me when im standing around.
do you believe in magic?: what is going on?
do you believe in magic?: why r you treating me like this?
Benny Boy: im not treating you like anything, im just getting on with my own life, i have nothing to say to you, nor has anything u said so far been relevant to me, when your around it hurts so i leave, and thats all to it rly, i just wanna be me for a while
do you believe in magic?: why does it hurt u when im around?
do you believe in magic?: im not trying to intergrate myself back into ur life so heavily. i just wanted to be friends
do you believe in magic?: ben, why does it hurt?
Benny Boy: i really dont want to talk about it, so im not going 2
do you believe in magic?: ben. please?
do you believe in magic?: we have got to sort this. once i know, ill leave u alone if thats really what u want
Benny Boy: we really dont, YOU want to sort this out and i dont, im happy leaving things well enough alone
do you believe in magic?: ok. I have to sort it out. i dont care. stop splitting hairs. i want to know
Benny Boy: tough, just live your life be happy or sad or w/e i dont rly care, i just wanna get along with mine
do you believe in magic?: and u can. but im not backing down on this. its not fair on me. im happy, i have a happy life. it was fucked up for a bit, but ive finally got it sorted out. i know u have problems, but its not fair to take them out on me
Benny Boy: why do you think im taking them out on you? i havnt tried to hurt you or upset you, i just wanna be left alone
do you believe in magic?: im not going to wreck up ur life or anything. im all for leaving u alone. i just want to know why im being ignored, which, by the way - is bothering me, and does hurt me
do you believe in magic?: and ur perfectly fine around EVERYONE else. its just ME.
do you believe in magic?: so spill. whats the reason
do you believe in magic?: after that i will never say another word to u if thats what u want
Benny Boy: its a shame but wether you like it or not im not going to talk to you
do you believe in magic?: WHY? WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE BEN? WHY R U DETERMINED TO AVOID ME?
do you believe in magic?: and why do u seem to think this is ok?
Benny Boy: who the fuk said it was ok? i just dont care, im gonna do what the fuck i want, witch is the decision to not tell you or anyone else what i want
do you believe in magic?: ben. thats not fair
do you believe in magic?: can i clear something up?
Benny Boy: what...
do you believe in magic?: u dont still like me do u?
Benny Boy: no i dont want to be around you
do you believe in magic?: why not?
Benny Boy: its about who you are, and im gone so just forget about it
do you believe in magic?: oh fuck you ben. FUCK YOU.
do you believe in magic?: you have NO fucking clue who i am anymore. dont you dare even come thast.
do you believe in magic?: FUCK YOU. JUST FUCK OFF. I DONT EVEN WANNA BE NEAR YOU IF YOURE GONNA BE LIKE THAT.

i wish i could write what i want in here.

oh the curse of having a public journal.

im thinking about continuing my one woman rant about life in general but i cant think of anything to say. i am happy at the minute though. rest of the holiday is shaping up to be a good one. i just cant shake a feeling of apathy and confusion. ok, not confusion, thats the wrong word. anxiety more like.

oh well. its a bit pissy having to go back to school on monday. i must say, i was enjoying my time off. still, at least my exams are over. the other areas o my life should sort themselves out soon. well, heres hoping anyway! lol.

still. positive attitude. alls well that ends well and all that bullcrap eh?

lol. i bet none of u have the faintest idea what im going on about lol. ah well. biiiiii.

xxxxxxx

well hey there lj. quite a while since ive written.

have done all my as exams (yay for me!) and have the rest of the week off doing what i will. (yay again).

it was camp last week. that was an.... interesting experience to say the least. it was, of course, great: like all camps are, and it was really really sad to leave. but... it was difficult. i had a few run ins with stuarts current girlfriend, rachel. she was a really nice person actually. i would have got on with her quite well (and did) when neither of us were being bitchy. which was not much of the time. only when we were in the tent in fact.

we were kinda at loggerheads with each other because we both wanted to spend time with stuart: me because i havent seen him since last year, and wont see him til next year and well, you know, we get on really well. he's been my best friend since we were 8! of course i wanted to talk to him. and rachel, because shes his girlfriend. understandable. i think rachel must have felt slightly threatened at some points though, what with me being ex and us wanting time alone to talk at night.

one of these nights stuart didnt tell her he was coming to talk to me, and she got neil. now, before this camp i had been expressely forbidden to do anything to muck and stuart and rachel and cause a rift between my family and stuarts, so rachel getting neil really didnt help me much and so i had to apologise to him for that in order to keep our families friends. she wasnt happy when she told stuart to "come on" - to go back to the tent with her and noone moved, because we had been talking and wanted to continue doing so.

i think it was the next day when stuart was digging the wet pit with me, emma and rachel, when he upset her somehow when i was off collecting sticks and she stormed off to her tent. he followed her. when i went a half hour later to get him out to help us, i was politely told to "fuck off" by rachel. stuart didnt come out. half an hour after this, emma, stuarts sister tried. didnt come out. then his mum. then me again. he only came out when adult emma forced him. by which time i was very upset, inconsollable. he came out and i burst into tears and ran into the adjacent field. he followed me and talked to me. made it all right. held me while i cried. his mum had had to watch me crying earlier aswell. not something i enjoy doing much, especially in front of someone who used to severely dislike me cos i was sleeping with her son. then she texted him telling him she was waiting for him and he had to go back into the tent for ten minutes. at which point i smashed the ground with a mallet. i wasn't in the best frame of mind. noone saw except little emma.

it was all ok for a while. we were getting on reletively well. there were minor arguments. one where noone was talking and all the adults were annoyed at them for being "deaf mutes" so i tried to get them to talk. got it thrown back in my face by rachel, and so walked off. noone followed. i sat on a rock by the water tap until gerbil came over and made me smile. there was the other time when i thought we should go out for a walk because all we had been doing was sitting in a tent, and rachel walked off again. and the time where we were cooking and rachel started calling me "the queen of everything." that upset me. i cried. in fact, i cried a lot this camp. mostly when noone could see. in my tent at night mainly. i cried to stuart.

as i said, dont take it that this camp was bad. it wasnt. i just have only written about the arguments. when we were in that tent, we were fine, we got on. this may be because she lightened up (a bit too much on the last day i was there! oh god..... champagne!) or maybe i did, but the tent seemed to magically make us better. neither one of us could get pissed off at the other talking to stuart, because we were in an enclosed space. and we actually had a right laugh! i did get to talk to stuart, but only when i was "allowed". alloted spaces in between rachel seeing him and rachel seeing him, at night. i know he slept on his own 2 nights at camp and i know rachel made him stay the other 2 because he wanted some space. tents can get warm and claustrophobic! the last night i was there, she was drunk, which was funny and he was gonna stay in his own tent, so we were gonna stay up and talk til all hours. i waited outside rachels tent for a very long time. she wouldnt let him leave.

ive posted this on here, so she now knows how i felt about the bad stuff. how i cried more than she saw. how at some points (ok, i havent mentioned this here but what the hey) i really liked her and had a little bit of a crush on her (im bi, what can i say?) until she made me cry again. there was no need for all the bitchiness.we both felt threatened: i felt like i was losing my best friend, she her boyfriend. i get why it was so hard. i just wish i could have spent more time with the one person who means more to me than the entire world.

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i left camp early. went to matlock with my cousins for a cousins weekend :) hired a big house with like, 9 bedrooms and a lot a lot a lot of drink. wow i got very very drunk. we went for a picnic on the second day and boy was it hot. i got rather sunburnt. then back to the house for more drinking :D it was nice to see them again because there were family members there i havent seen in years. some ive never met due to them being married into our family. i had my first experience of rasberry schnapps (or as i called it rashshberry schsnaps) and passed out sitting up after rather a lot. didnt get a single hangover though. feel impressed :)

am gonna post some photos up here now as i think we are well overdue for some updated ones.

camp first:



the field we stayed in



our firepit :)



stuart in the tent looking orange



rachel and emma in the tent. also looking orange. "wow, you have legs! i wish i had legs...."




tis me in the tent.... looking.... guess what? ORANGE! lol. stuart took it. "lions don't like water, they're fish!"




me being emo. stuart took it again. i like this photo actually.



stuart. we were playing a game of catch.



stuart wearing emmas hat and my (girlish) sunglasses :)



me and my usual on camp: WORD UP!



oh my god! we finally got stuart to do the WORD UP! thing! all rejoice!!!

lol. that was this year at morpeth. have finally got some of 3 years ago so thought id post them.

as it was then....



stuart, greg and i getting horny :P lol, see what i did there?



becky being scared of fire



becky being amazed that a match will light if u strike it *rolls eyes*



stuart and his blue man :) we went back here this year. there was no blue man to be found. do u think that they were offended we shoved it's stick up it's arse for all and sundry to see?



in the ye olde days of camp when we were the same age as the scouts: squires, kirk and ben.



the traditional "our fire" picture



*sings* lets waste time, chasing chickens, on our hike....



it's official, stuart was a babe. we also went here this year. not much has changed, although stuart didnt want to try on my jacket this time. i wonder why!

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family weekend




ill have some family on the rocks please!



mark, cathy, neil and richard laughing at something random while drunk.



this is my cousin helen. beside her is an almost empty bottle of gin, and an almost empty jug of orange/botlle of bitter lemon. these were full earlier in the evening.



little amy on top of will. right little poser!



the lot of us (except the cousins who werent there liam, rob, andrew and louise [there the day before but left early] the younger ones etc)
from left to right: will, peter, neil, susan, me, richard, zoe, mark, jack, cathy, amy (little girl below cathy), caroline, ruth (little girl below caroline) helen, richard and tom :)





god that was a long entry. nearly 2 hours to write that!!!

bonjourno.

am v. tired. have done 5 hours of writing exams today! hand aches like billy oh. who came up with that stupid phrase? what is billy oh?? anyways, hope ive passed them.

am having a hard time at home. seriously considering this moving out thing.

ah well. 2 weeks of unadulterated bliss awaits me before my next exam. plus scout camp!! roll on the good times :D

xxxxxxxx

oh god to be 12 again! holkalm hall..... 5 years ago. 2002. fell out of a tree. knackered my back - almost broke my arm. just sprained it.




oh the wonders of truth or dare. emma and luke. love sweet love :P 4 years ago. 2003. lyme regis. where we were meant to be going this year.




look at my legs! amazing or what!? this is before i got a figure like a woman. 4 years ago. 2003. lyme regis. i was 13.




Our patrol. last year. lovin' it eh? 2006. holkalm hall again :) how'd i hurt myself this time? i honestly can't remember! 16 years old.

becky has our book, so i can't get the photos of morpeth camp :( feel bad for me :( lol.

will get some though :)

lush photos mind.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well hi there lj. welcome to the messed up world of my life. i have spent today watching back to back american pie - making me horny - and not being able to do a damn thing about it. everyone else has a general studies exam, and ben's ill. so i've been sitting on my own - worrying about the fact i have major life changing exams tomorrow and i don't know anything. wonderful.

my mum rang last night. i have a hard time speaking to her. i know we've just made up, but there's the things i haven't told anyone. she drank a lot on that night with me and aunty bev. she doesn't love david. she never moved on from dad. she resents ann. she's not happy. i didn't know all this, and had to hear it from a drunk woman who pretends to be ok when sober. i thought she was happy. but apparently she hasn't been happy in a long time. this gets to me, because i never knew any of this stuff.

spoke to stuart last night. oliver might be coming up to camp on the sunday. long way to drive for a day in my opinion - but at least he isn't calling me gertrude! apparently, stuart got absolutly lashed on J.D, wine, and beer and crashed out at rach's. lol. so much for not drinking *rolls eyes*. ameteur. he should know not to mix drinks. specially not wine and J.D! anyways, apparently he had a hangover too :P he was trying to deny it and was going "i was just ill" but yah, methinks i know better than the boy who doesnt drink! it's only a week til camp. i really really can't wait. it is definately time for the 3 musketeers to be reunited. it's been too long. oh plus, this year we're at morpeth. which only means one thing. THE DENE!!!!!!!!! lol. although i shall be trying not to step on any nails this time! don't want any more of my socks being burnt to bacon. i keep meaning to suggest to stuart doing the same walk as last time :) maybe come across another blue man - that's a point, i wonder if they have reinstated him.... chase some more chickens, defy more gravity on the never ending road, get soaking socks in long horsley moor, stay up all night, kick bottles down the hills, try to light a fire, hide from a thunder storm in a barn.... lol. it's making me grin just thinking about it :D camp really does make my year :) its great. it's somewhere i know everyone so so well having known them all my life - and yet have complete anonymity because noone hates me, and all know me as the little girl they once held in their arms.

i've been thinking that you never really grow up. some people will always see you as sweet and innocent - no matter how many guys you've been with or how old you look now.there will always be that little part of me that loves to be a child. be protected. be loved. muck around. be a total arse. i was holding ben's niece brooke yesterday for like an hour. and he just looked at me and said "no, you're not having one!" i guess the happiness must have shown on my face. one day, that happiness will be mine. i felt like a mother - that i just instinctively knew what to do. she didn't cry once, and even fell asleep on me. so, although the childishness within me exsists, i do intend to have a family of my own i can be childish with. it's like that song - "i'm a bitch, i'm a lover, i'm a child, i'm a mother." i do feel like i'm everything rolled into one. and (not to blow my own trumpet) but when i'm ready, when i'm married to a great man, i will be a good mother. i know it's harsh, but i've learned from my own mother's mistakes. i would never leave my kids and would love them more than life itself. lol. i don't think their dad will get a look in :P only joking. but seriously, i fully intend to have kids, and bring them up the way the parents in Frank Downey's books do.

i'm having a right little heart pour here aren't i?? lol. ahhh well...

im thinking i should put some more pics up here. maybe some camp pics. shame i havent got any photos anymore... oooo except the ones that stuart sent, and the last morpeth camp. have a look at where im going! ill post the pics :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

p.s. if anyone is wondering, i do NOT have any pics of the nail in my foot, that memory is just too painful to have photos of!!

oh, baby baby it's a wild world. It's hard to get by upon a smile.

truer words were never spoken methinks. you never know what's just around the corner, however, in a freaky way - i think everyone knows EXACTLY what is just around the corner. i think we all have a 6th sense - and though we know what's coming, we usually choose to ignore it and carry on our business as usual. we deny what we know to be true within ourselves.

and, many people have told me i have a pretty/wonky smile :) however, i can't get by on just that - as i have found out very much this week. i am back in counselling due to breaking down nigh on 3 times and having a panic attack. when things heap up on me, i tend to break down.

i have lost a lot of friends due to smacking my ex boyfriend. he provoked me. luckily, we r still friends - however other people don't seem to be as accepting as/of me. i have had many people telling me they don't like me because of what i did. and many people cosying up to ben - girls mainly. noone seems to remember that he was the one treating me like shit, and that i never EVER get annoyed. so something must have happened to annoy me that much. that would be ben. the "goody" in all of this.

my arse.

but hey, i forgive him. he forgives me. so it's all good. just the rest of them. i have exams starting on tuesday. but on the plus side, it's camp next week!!!!

and i know i should be sad for rachel - but she already knows i didn't want him going to that match, but notts lost (at football) so i get to see my bestest friend on his 18th birthday!!! it really makes me happy :D

cannot wait til camp!!!!! cannot wait cannot wait cannot wait!!!! always the best week of my year. stuart and i are like - major comedy duo. we rock :D

YAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

ok, maybe i can get by on a smile sometimes :)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

well hi there.

rather interesting turn around of events.

guys just confuse me.

ben and i r over.

ah well, sucks to be me i guess. men just - dont want me!!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

this is a man slandering piece i wrote last night after a few drinks. despite having been drinking - i think it reads rather well and am aiming to continue it.


I turned around, and there my cat was. Sniffing my shoe. Lovely. She always was a strange being, I never did understand what she found so compelling about sitting on my dad’s chest with her backside in his face or wanting to come in the moment I’d closed the door. It’s almost as if she loves mocking me, waiting, as if to be deliberately ironic. That’s cats for you, eh? She came up to me, looking as if butter wouldn’t melt, rubbing herself against my bare foot. Well it wasn’t going to get my attention. Why would I want to pay attention to a cat with a foot fetish? Now don’t get me wrong, I love my cat, but there’s got to be something wrong with her if she’s having a good sniff of my shoe for Christ’s sake! Unless I smell of course. Which, thinking about it, actually makes it weirder, as it would mean a cat with a fetish for smelly feet.
Not that my cat rules my life. Right now, she’s in the kitchen and I’m perfectly happy. As I generally am when I‘m writing. People have always told me “Leanne, you should get your diaries published - they are very well written and interesting to read.” Well this isn’t my diary, more a monologue of the person I am. I only hope I can be as interesting here as I evidently am while writing the most innermost secrets of my personal life which everyone seems to take great pleasure in reading. So who am I you ask? I’m Leanne. That’s who I am. Nothing more to it. I’m a crazy, sex obsessed, complete romantic who gets her kicks lying in bed with another person. I do things that are unconventional, simply because they are unconventional, and I want to do them. And lets face it, who has the right to stop me? I’m my own person - and enjoy it. But, honestly, I want the same as any other girl out there - commitment, someone that cares and good sex.
Here’s a whole new side to my life - I’ve been told I need to fight the negativity, and self consciousness I feel with “happy thoughts.” (peter pan here we come! Luckily, my aim is to be happy, not to fly, or I‘d be very disappointed.) You’d think I go around with my head in the sand, crying and constantly plagued with bad thoughts. That’s not who I am at all, I mean, yeah sure, I get upset easily, but on a scale of one to ten, I’m pretty much happy and positive 99.9% of the time. Some people just bring it out of me. I’ve gone off track. I was explaining who I am and how I came to write this. Well, if I was to describe me, I’d say I’m average…. well everything! Average height, average weight, average purple hair. O.k. well maybe not so average, I am as the Scissor Sisters say “Filthy, ooo but I’m gorgeous” ok, not really. But I do love being dominated, someone else being completely in charge of my body and soul. It gives me an enormous rush.
I also have an innate need to please people. Someone once told me a joke - “why do women have small feet? - So they can stand closer to the cooker” Incredibly sexist, and at the time I was appalled. Until I realised that that is exactly what I do! A guy says jump, I say how high. Besides which, I love cooking. The same guy that told the joke frequently comes over, and I find myself succumbing to his every whim. Making noodles and pouring drinks left, right and centre. I’m the typically, pussy whipped, adolescent girl, wanting to be needed. Needing to be wanted.
And so, I ask myself: why is there a nation of pussy whipped, adolescent girls catering for their man’s every need? Is it to do with the media, the image of how women are meant to act; or is it something else, maybe a subconscious desire to please their partner in order that they remain part of a “couple”? These are the days of women’s rights, a time when women have more power in society than they ever have, and they still act like they are the one’s who need to please their man. What about the times when boyfriends bought their girlfriends flowers weekly and desperately tried to keep the girl’s attention for more than a few weeks by bending over backwards to keep her? Nowadays men expect their woman to cook for them, clean for them, bend over backwards for them, and on top of that, they expect regular sex when they want it and don’t give a damn when you’re horny because they’re “watching T.V. now honey.” How I curse the day when F.R.I.E.N.D.S taught guys the “hug and roll” technique to get women to move aside when in bed. How cruel and heartless it was to teach men how to get rid of a cuddly woman, we are all cuddly - that’s what we like. Moving us doesn’t boost our confidence any! Don’t pretend that you found us like that in the morning, we know that you are a secret F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan and have “hug and rolled” us. It just makes you seem like a very sad individual who spends his evening watching American sitcoms because he has nothing of interest in his life. We, of course are able to admit freely being a fan, we are women. Plus, it’s a great T.V. program!
I sound bitter, especially when you throw into the equation that I’m only 17 short years old. I’m not. Bitter that is - I am 17. I just have experience that most 17 year olds can’t dream about - apparently, acting like a married woman comes into that somewhere. Who woulda thunk it? Cooking and cleaning for my man during my precious teenage years, wasting hours of good time having sex. Well, ok, maybe that’s not so bad. I enjoy it far too much - in fact, I’m usually the one who suggests the sex. I guess it’s considered odd for the woman to be the one hearing “not now honey, I‘m tired” but I don’t conform to gender, or social stereotypes. I am my own woman and intend to stay that way.
However, after some thought, I guess what they say about men really is true: you cant live with ‘em but you can’t live without ‘em! They are messy, inconsiderate, annoying creatures who enjoy nothing more than aggravating you in order to see how far you’ll go before you snap; however, I truly believe that I could not live without men. What would be the point in going out for a drink, if there were no men to dance with when mildly inebriated. Or going to the cinema, without the chance of getting off with a guy in the back row and missing half the film you came to see. No, I honestly think that life without men would be a boring one. Besides which, I wouldn’t have anything to rant about! Except for my occasional rants about how technology will destroy the earth and all those living in it.
Right now, however, I am using the age of technology to both mine, and my man’s advantage. I am purchasing a rather sexy suspender belt from a website I often use. Not having used a suspender belt before, I am intrigued as to the effect it will have on said man. Will he, for example, be totally unimpressed by my efforts? Will he swallow his tongue as he sees me standing before him in nothing but a black basque, suspenders and stockings? Or will he simply have a coronary at the fact I am actually looking sexy for him? Most likely my efforts, as usual, will go unnoticed after the initial “swallowing the tongue” moment, as he will try his damnedest to remove my carefully chosen outfit rather quickly and go about making me scream. Not that I’m complaining mind you, but I’d rather he take time to appreciate the time and effort that goes into making myself looking relatively sexy for him. My expensive nurses outfit from Ann Summers hasn’t had an airing in years for this exact reason - it never stays on, so what’s the point? No-one ever notices your underwear anyway. You may as well wearing a bra and knicker set that don’t match and haven’t been washed in two days. Men just don’t care. Not that any woman in her right mind would do this - we are not like men.

the colourgenics thing that people keep doing: (very scarily accurate)

You are striving for a life full of activity and experience and, perhaps even more, an environment where you would be able to forge a close bond with a person who can offer full emotional fulfilment.

In the past there have been - and maybe there still are - many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

anyways, hows my life? interesting to say the least. ben and I are great. still :) which is very good. 6 weeks on saturday and i cannot see the end. its fantastic. the best relationship ive ever had. we're experimenting, yet we know exactly what we're doing. we lust, yet we also have more love than i can ever have imagined. there are tiny things that bug us about each other, but we talk, and we deal and its great. we are an almost perfect couple. and i hope it lasts a really really long time.

have also started reading harry potter again :D forgot what a great series it is. cant WAIT for the 7th book which is out on the 21st July. I wanna know how it eeeennnnnnddddssssss!!!! yet at the same time, i dont, because its the end of an era. i have GROWN UP with these books. been the same age as the characters throughout. what am I gonna do when its finished?? ive been reading these since I was around 9 years old. the whole world is gonna kind of ..... droop ..... after the last book comes out. its gonna be harry potter fever for a few days while everyone reads it and then talks about it, then its gonna die away and we will be left with nothing. shame... its really quite a good series!

have also been out driving in my dads car. tis really fun. anyways, should go now. biiiiiiii!!!! xxxxxxx

welll here i am babysitting. knackered. absolutley knackered. spent the last two days after school with ben so it's a bit odd not seeing him. i finally put a picture in my locket. need to get a better one mind, cos it's not fantastic. had an amazing couple of days and now it's finally catching up with me. my back aches, my head is falling asleep on me, and im coming down with a cold. all i wanna do is snuggle up in bed, or be held, and just... relax.

i really should do some homework. i guess i'll do it at the comp so i can see when ben comes online.

see yas all.

xxxx

i am pretty much floaty around with my head in the clouds atm. i mean literally, my feet will NOT stay on the floor. i cant believe how happy i am!!!!! its totally crazy!!! it was a bit odd at first. having someone i was going out with in school with me. but when i think about it, it's so much better like this.
i mean, boyfriends in nottingham? that was silly. i never saw them. and then rushed into stuff cos i never saw them, and then the relationships got fucked up because we rushed into stuff cos they lived so far away. but with ben, well, he's right here! i see him everyday pretty much, and i dont feel the urgency to rush anything at all. theres no set time span. i just feel completely comfortable with him. and what's better is that he's setting the pace. so i don't rush him into anything, and when we do stuff, i know that it's because he wants to, rather than because we havent got much time. which is a fantastic feeling. and it means for once, people may actually have some respect for me and my relationship. cos that usually never happens.
It's nice, because everyone around me can see how happy i am and keep commenting on it, which makes me feel happier. according to alice, im walking around with a glow and im too excitable lol. i just can't actually explain in words how happy i am at the minute. i just know it's good. and i hope ben and i last a very very long time because i think we're great together :) :D

OMG!

lol. ok.

5 words.

im going out with ben.


:D


xxxx

well, i was told today that i didn't use LJ anymore, so i thought, ok, i will. just to prove u wrong. and gosh. i dont know if there is really anything to say. u all know how confused i am at the minute - re: ben. i just wish i knew what he was thinking. then it would all be sorted out and hannah and alice (who have recently become mildly obsessed with the state of affairs :S) can know whats going on. as well as me. lol. im spending time with him over the weekend so hopefully that will all get resolved. by us kissing or something nice like that hopefully :)

nothing much else going on atm.

apparently ive found the ultimate match :

for the record, i do NOT have a thing for robert!!! hes like, 13!!!! GOD!

HIYA!!!

ok, first of all, last night was so fun! whoever thought we'd never see hannah in a short skirt and tiny top was WRONG! lol.

anyways, guess what, i just pitched an idea for my party to dad, and after my letter saying i was a good student last week, he has agreed!!! woo!!!! so, i will be having DUN DUN DER: a schoolgirl and teachers house party. strictly no alcohol, but music, food and most importantly CHOCOLATE will be provided!!! unfortunatly, im at work during christmas, but contract ends on dec 31st. so it will be on friday january the 5th! (enough time to get costumes ready lol)

should be fun :D im gonna see if i can get a disco ball lol.

:D


xxxx

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his leanne.
Which movie was this from?
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
(the word was 'wings')

I always say a kiss on the hand might feel very good, but a leanne lasts forever.
Which movie was this from?
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes (1953)
(the word was 'diamond tiara')

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my leanne.
Which movie was this from?
Pulp Fiction (1994)
(the word was 'brothers')

When there's no more room in hell, the leanne will walk the earth.
Which movie was this from?
Dawn of the Dead (1978)
(the word was 'dead')

I defy you! Come and kneel before Leanne!
Which movie was this from?
Superman II (1980)
(the word was 'Zod')

The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world leanne didn't exist.
Which movie was this from?
The Usual Suspects (1995)
(the word was 'he')

They call me Mister Leanne!
Which movie was this from?
In the Heat of the Night (1967)
(the word was 'Tibbs')

Leanne? Where we're going we don't need leanne.
Which movie was this from?
Back to the Future (1985)
(the word was 'Roads') (damn!lol)

No, it is not dangerous to confuse leanne with angels.
Which movie was this from?
Magnolia (1999)
(the word was 'children')

May the Leanne be with you.
Which movie was this from?
Star Wars (1977)
(the word was 'Force')

I'm Leanne! I'm Leanne!
Which movie was this from?
Spartacus (1960)
(the word was 'Spartacus')

Everybody! Everybody wants a piece of leanne!
Which movie was this from?
The Hustler (1961)
(the word was 'me')

Nobody puts Leanne in a corner.
Which movie was this from?
Dirty Dancing (1987)
(the word was 'Baby') (DAMN RIGHT!)

You've got leanne on you.
Which movie was this from?
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
(the word was 'red')

We can't stop here. This is leanne country.
Which movie was this from?
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)
(the word was 'bat')

I love the smell of leanne in the morning.
Which movie was this from?
Apocalypse Now (1979)
(the word was 'napalm')

One leanne's too many, and a hundred's not enough.
Which movie was this from?
The Lost Weekend (1945)
(the word was 'drink')

That'll do, leanne. That'll do.
Which movie was this from?
Babe (1995)
(the word was 'pig') (i should take my own advice...)

You can't handle the leanne!
Which movie was this from?
A Few Good Men (1992)
(the word was 'truth')

If I was a leanne, a perfect leanne, how would you know it was really me?
Which movie was this from?
The Thing (1982)
(the word was 'imitation')




http://thesurrealist.co.uk/movie.php?word=leanne

well hey there. i am sitting here writing this because msn is down and i now cannot talk to ... well... anyone. spent a great day with ross and philly :) apparently ross felt like a spare wheel, but im not sure how. i think he was just lying to make me feel better cos philly says he doesnt like anyone at the minute. lol. we touched feet. ... thats about it. oh, we had a pillow fight. but nothing else. i wish.... :(

well hi there. leanne here. (obviously). i dont think anyone actually reads this anymore so i can pretty much feel free to write what i want.

theres this boy: phillie. (well actually hes called matthew but thats not the point - we call him phillie) anyways, ive known him for a few years, but weve had classes and frees together this year. i think we get on quite well. theres a lot of smiling and laughing involved, and we both have problems with parents and kind of understand each other. its nice that theres finally someone who "gets" the lonliness factor. that understands what im going through. and ive begun to really like him over the past week. i got his number, and we texted quite a bit last night and he says he thinks im pretty cool. but i just dont know if i should... you know. i dunno. im not sure what i should do. cos i definatly dont want to lose him as a friend but i definatly DO want to get closer to him. i just dont know how. i dont even know if he likes me. its just a bit crappy. but *fingers crossed*

I havent told my dad that ive dropped theatre studies yet. eek. i should really do that. i just dont know what theyll say. i have to do that this weekend.

ive also burnt my finger on a hot cup. im not doing so well huh? lol

i have a totally pounding headache. my own fault for drinking a guess. this is my reward. im fed up. with men. why, why why. do they give u hints, then say they like noone. and they like leggy blodnes when ur kinda dumpy and ginger, and just plain unattractive. i hate men. but i love men. but why doesnt he like me!? lol. im not happy. just wish he liked me too. would be nice to be hid girlfriend. hes great :) DAMMIT!

i would just like to point this out:

Your Kissing Technique Is: Perfect

Your kissing technique is amazing - and you know it. You have the confidence to make the first move. And you always seem to know what kissing style is going to work best. Sometimes you're passionate, sometimes you're a tease. And you're always amazing!

how very true :P